It's sMARTA to just drive yourself.

I'm sitting on the train coming back to NYC from Norwalk, CT after a job interview. Being from Atlanta, I don't very much like riding trains. This sentiment is blatantly obvious to anyone from in or near Atlanta: personally, aside from the New York City, London, and Amsterdam, my only exposure to public rail transportation has been the Metro Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority: MARTA. What a piece of shit. I have seen my share of mostly-worthless crap in my life, and the MARTA public transit system is one of The Worst.

Imagine a city. Okay, now imagine that city as a plate of food. It's got four types of meat. In the upper northwest corner, there's a fairly respectable cut of prime rib with a few nasty parts on the outside. In the northeast corner, there's a good-looking cut of filet that gives off a douchey, elitist vibe. In the southeast corner, there's a skirt steak with a nice part on the outside but a but of gross, gristly parts right in the middle. And in the southwest corner, there's a big chunk of old Salisbury steak from a soup kitchen dinner four weeks ago someone found in a dumpster. Okay, got it? Good. Now, there is a space running right down the middle and right down the east-west axis of the plate, and that's pretty much it. Your fork can only move on those axes. Lucky you! Almost all the crappy parts of the meat are right in the middle. That's all you can eat. If you want, though you can use another utensil, the bus fork; it's got 49 prongs. Most of them are missing, some of them unexpectedly lag being the other prongs by a matter of hours, and they smell like piss. All of it smells like piss, too. Did I forget to mention that? Okay, great. So you've got all this okay meat to eat, but you can't reach any of it with any of your shitty forks. That's helpful. Don't worry, though! The Atlanta Checker Cab Spork is here to save the day! It will cost you $4 to pick up the spork, and $9 per eighth of an inch you move it across the plate! Also, you can use your own fork, but the Atlanta Plate Police Department will pull you over and arrest you for Eating Under the Influence 4 out of every 5 times you try it. That sucks, for you. Looks like you're microwaving a Lean Cuisine again for dinner, cheap-o! There's my MARTA analogy. It's like a plate of questionably tasty food, and a bunch of awful utensils with which to eat it.



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