I now beseech upon you, my gentle reader, a series of short stories which I wrote on cocktail napkins out of boredom, and in the interest of entertainment, whilst sitting at Cafe Intermezzo this evening. Enjoy.
It was a dark and stormy night. A spontaneous horde of Pokemon had attacked and killed the mayor of Atlanta earlier that evening, and the citizens were in fear for their very lives. William and Zooey Smith had barricaded themselves within their 40th floor penthouse condominium, armed with several kitchen knives, a 6-iron, and, of course, their love for one another.
They heard the pounding upon the door and feared the worst.
"Oh no!" whined Zooey, immediately boring the shit out of her husband of 25 years.
"Oh, Jesus, Zooey, can you go five minutes without complaining about something?"
"Fuck you!" she screamed, as a zombie Pikachu gnawed through her jugular vein.
"I've always hated you, you know," said William, with an eery calm, as a horde of rabid Charizards ate out his heart.
Suddenly, William awoke from his dream.
"Fuck," he sighed. "Fuck, shit, fuck."
2. Partly co-written by Brandon
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Come to think of it, Duke Nukem was only the best of times. We set out on our sacred quest to find Mowgli, Littlefoot... and Jon Bon Jovi.
"Maybe they're over that expansive mountain range in the clouds," quipped Duke Nukem, as he choked out a helpless villager.
"Great thinking, Duke!" I exclaimed, cowering in fear in the corner.
We set out over the cloud mountains in our Star Wars speeder bikes, slaughtering villagers along the way.
One we reached Mordor, we spotted a deranged Littlefoot chewing away on Mowgli's remains. From Duke Nukem's eye fell a single tear, which turned into a falcon and flew away. "Caw!" it cried.
3. Written by Brandon Kriske.
And so it began...
Jon Bon Jovi, Littlefoot, and Mowgli wandered the Alaskan desert in search of new territory to claim.
"Oh wow! Look at the Rhinopottamus, lurking in the distance!" exclaimed Mowgli.
"Let's kill that motherfucker!" yelled Jon Bon Jovi.
"Yes!" screamed Chuck Norris.
"Chuck??" questioned Bon Jovi.
"Yes, it is I, the bringer of life and death, and the Ab Roller... and Texas Ranger."
And so it ended. Chuck Norris and Jon Bon Jovi, raping, sodomizing, and eating Littlefoot alive.
4.A Short Story on the Various Dangers of Real Life, by Colin Malone.
As I stood atop Mount Everest, looking out upon the world around me, I suddenly felt a feeling of great insignificance. Of course, I felt the tiniest bit better considering that most of what I could see was Nepal, an already tiny and insignificant country.
"USA, USA, USA," I proclaimed aloud, to no one in particular. My spirits were lifted slightly.
"Hey. Hey, you there," said a great, booming voice. I turned around, and there before me was God Himself.
"Oh, hey God. Listen, while I've got You here, I've got a question I've been meaning to ask You." As I finished my sentence, God slapped me hard right in the face, and I shut the hell up.
"You are an insignificant piece of shit. I love all my children equally, except for you," roared God, "Except you."
Dejected, I descended the mountain. Back at base camp, I located Morpheus roasting marshmallows by the fire.
"Fine, Morpheus, I will take your goddamn blue pill," I sighed. Morpheus glared at me and squinted condescendingly.
"Fuckin' right," he proclaimed.