Theta Chi Greek Sing 2010 Script

"Scooby Doo and the Mystery of the Stolen T"

Written mostly by Colin Malone, Carlos Pesantez, and Jay Rudd, with the help of some other people! 

Cast:

Fred............................Taylor Stout

Velma.........................Ben Ward

Daphne.......................G. David Hardy

Scooby.......................Matthew Greer

Shaggy.......................Daniel McElhannon

Chan Gailey...............James Woodson

Student.......................Jay Rudd

Commissioner............President Andrew Ligotti

Ghost.........................James Woodson

Random Guy..............Carlos Pesantez

Dancers......................

Pre-scene.............Tech Tower
Scene 1 ...............Outside, somewhere on campus
Scene 2 ...............Guggenheim Main Lobby....................Nighttime, dark & scary
Scene 3 ...............Creepy Cellar...............Same evening

Scene 4 ...............Creepy Study Lounge...........Same evening

Scene 5 ...............Guggenheim Main Lobby....................Same evening

PRE-SCENE: On top of Tech Tower

    (Fade in to spooky "creeping music." A GHOST tip-toes in and starts working on dislodging the T from TECH. When he finally pries it free, the siren goes off and police officers enter)

Jimi Hendrix- All Along the Tech Tower

"There must be some kind of way out of here,"

said the joker to the thief,

"There's too much confusion,

I can't get no relief.

Businessmen, they drink my wine,

plowmen dig my earth,

None of them along the line

know any of its worth."

All along the watchtower,

princes kept the view

While all the women came and went,

barefoot servants, too.

There must be some kind of way out of here,

With this giant yellow T,

The cops are searching everywhere,

Nah, it's just the GTPD, Hey!

(solo)

All along the TECH Tower,

That ghostly thief did prowl,

very few women came and went,

and the Whistle began to howl! (whistle blow)

SCENE 1: Outside
    (The gang is driving in the Mystery Machine, when all of a sudden Commissioner comes in)

COMMISSIONER: 

Gang! The T has been stolen from Tech Tower!!

SCOOBY: 

"Ruh-roh!"

    (The gang speeds towards Tech Tower)

SCOOBY DOO THEME SONG

Scooby-Dooby-Doo, Where Are You?

We got some work to do now.

Scooby-Dooby-Doo, Where Are You?

We need some help from you now.

Come on Scooby-Doo, I see you...

pretending you got a sliver

But you're not fooling me, cause I can see,

the way you shake and shiver.

Scooby-Dooby-Doo, Where Are You?

We got some work to do now.

Scooby-Dooby-Doo, Where Are You?

Somebody stole the T now.

Come on Scooby-Doo, I see you...

pretending you got a sliver

But you're not fooling me, cause I can see,

the way you shake and shiver.

(On their way to Tech Tower, the Mystery Machine gets a flat tire, right in front of Old Guggenheim Manor because of a massive uncovered pothole, because Atlanta roads suck.)

VELMA

Jinkies, you guys! Maybe someone in the Guggenheim Manor is an experienced auto mechanic that can help us so we can go solve the Mystery of the Stolen T!

(AND SO the gang creeps up to the manor (cue wolf howl) and presses the doorbell on the set.

SCENE 2: Guggenheim Main Lobby.

    (Meeting them at the front door is CHAN GAILEY, long doorbell)

CHAN GAILEY

Welcome to the Guggenheim Manor! How may I be of service to you?

DAPHNE

Chan Gailey? What are you doing here?!

CHAN GAILEY

(with a hint of bitterness) Well, kids, it looks like my bad luck with coaching follows me everywhere, so I'm the groundskeeper of the Guggenheim Manor now.  In fact, I've prepared a musical number for just this occasion!

FRED

What. 

Old Crow Medicine Show- Wagon Wheel (Coaching Deal)

Headed down south to the land of the pines

And I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline

Starin' up the road

And pray to God I see headlights

I made it down the coast in seventeen hours

Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers

And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh

I can see my baby tonight

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel

Rock me mama anyway you feel

Hey mama rock me

Rock me mama like the wind and the rain

Rock me mama like a south-bound train

Hey mama rock me

Headed out west when I got fired

But the Kansas City Chiefs said goodbye

Went up north

And pray to God I'd get a job

Wasn't in Buffalo more than an hour

That the Bills told me that the deals gone sour

So now I'm workin my days

Down here at the Guggenheiiiiiiiim

They robbed me mama of my coaching deal

Robbed me mama took my automobile

Heyyyyy nobody loves meeeee

Robbed me, mama, can't pay my bills

Robbed me, mama, now I'm forced to steal,

Heyyyyy yeah they robbed me

FRED

(sarcastically) Super. 

SHAGGY

Like, Mr. Gailey, can you help us fix the Mystery Machine?

CHAN GAILEY

Sorry, but I'm no auto mechanic.

SHAGGY

Like, you're no coach either.

SCOOBY

Tee hee hee hee hee hee! (laugh track)

VELMA

Well while we're here, we might as well investigate the Mystery of the Stolen T, you guys!

CHAN GAILEY

You're welcome to take a look around, but beware of the ghost! (organ chord)

SCOOBY

A rhost?!

CHAN GAILEY

A ghost.

SCOOBY

A rhost?!

CHAN GAILEY

A ghost. With a "g."

SCOOBY

.... .... A rhost?!

CHAN GAILEY

Nevermind.
Legend has it that the ghost of George P. Burdell haunts the halls of the Manor at night.

FRED

Oh that's just a bunch of hooey! C'mon, you guys, let's split up and see if we can find any clues! Daphne and Velma, you guys come with me upstairs (DAPHNE and VELMA excitedly primp themselves). Scooby and Shaggy, you head to the frightening creepy crypt basement and see if there's anything down there! 

    (Exit FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA)

SHAGGY

Like, zoinks, Scoob!

SCENE 3: Creepy Cellar

    (SCOOBY and SHAGGY descend an impossibly long staircase down into the crypt cellar dungeon of Guggenheim Manor. SHAGGY lights a torch so they can see amidst the mist (cue fog machine!) They creep across the stage and blue light fades in. From the mist rises a ghost. He creeps up and taps SHAGGY on the shoulder.

SHAGGY

Like, not now, Scoob!

SCOOBY

Ruh?

(SHAGGY turns around to meet the GHOST face to face. SCOOBY and SHAGGY hop up 5 feet in the air (using wires. Look into getting some wires) and they do that running in midair thing for a few seconds before running off stage.)

SCENE 4: Study Lounge 

    DAPHNE, FRED, and VELMA enter stage right and several STUDENTS are studying away by candlelight. creepy study lounge (cobwebs everywhere, lightning, candlelit tables, fog machine)

FRED

Hey, gang, look! That kid over there is drenched in sweat! Why would he be sweating that much while he's studying?

DAPHNE

I don't know! Unless! ... He hasn't been studying! Maybe he's been scaling the side of Tech Tower and making away with our beloved T!

VELMA

Jinkies! Maybe that's our culprit!

DAPHNE

(to Student) Excuse me! Hey! (They tap STUDENT on the shoulder and all of the students jump up excitedly) Hey, why are you so sweaty?

STUDENT

Uhhmmmmmm..... We were studying. For, uh, for a Physics examination.

DAPHNE

Like heck you are! You stole the T, didn't you?!

STUDENT

No I didn't, honest!  I'll prove it... with this song!

FRED

Why.

Beyonce- Halo

Remember those walls I built

Well, baby they're tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make up a sound

It's like I've been awakened

Every rule I had you breakin'

It's the risk that I'm takin'

I ain't never gonna shut you out

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo

I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo

I can see your halo halo halo

Remember your freshman year

When you were all rushing around

Well I was sitting back in my room,

While everyone was out on the town,

See I'm a nerdy Tech kid,

Never seen a woman naked,

Every day I be playin,'

I ain't never gonna shut this down,

You're accusing me of stealing the T,

But I was on a KILLING SPREE

Baby I was playing Halo,

Been playin since 2003.

I was playin Halo (Halo) (Halo)

I was playin Halo (Halo) (Halo)

I was playin Halo (Halo) (Halo)

I was playin Halo (Halo) (Halo)

FRED

Well, gang, that random song certainly proves his innocence

DAPHNE

And his virginity! (laugh track)

FRED

Let's go find Shaggy and Scooby and see if they found anything.

 

SCENE 5: Guggenheim Main Lobby

FRED

Shaggy?

VELMA

Scooby?

DAPHNE

Old Man Gailey?

    (They look across the room to find SHAGGY and SCOOBY trembling in fear in each others arms)

FRED

Guys, you look like you've seen a ghost!

SHAGGY

Like, we saw a g-g-g-g.. a g-g-g-

SCOOBY

A RHOST!

FRED

I just said that.

VELMA

A ghost? Where?

SHAGGY

Like, in the basement, dudes! He wants us to leave!

    (DAPHNE has been looking around on stage trying find CHAN GAILEY. She finds a sheet with yellow paint on it)

DAPHNE

Hey, look you guys! It's a sheet with holes for eyes! Maybe that ghost isn't as ghostly as we thought! OOooOOh!

FRED

Hmm, look at this... the sheet has some yellow paint on the side of it. I wonder where it's from!

VELMA

There's an app for that! (She waves her iPhone magically over the yellow paint, and you hear an Apple bonk) The PaintSource app says that this paint came from the left side of the south-facing T on Tech tower! This is a very accurate iPhone app. 

FRED

Well if the ghost isn't really a ghost, and whoever it is wore this costume, then he's our culprit! Hey! I've got an idea! Let's build a trap outside to catch him! 

SCOOBY

Rood ridea!

(music starts, police officers enter)

Cascada- Catch Him With a Trap Door

Turn up the music

Let's get out on the floor

I like to move it

Come and give me some more

Watch me gettin' physical

Out of control

There's people watchin' me

I never miss a beat

Steal the night

Kill the lights

Feel it under your skin

Time is right

Keep it tight

Cause it's pulling you in

Wrap it up

Can't stop cause it feels like an overdose

(Feels like an overdose)

Oh, oh, evacuate the dancefloor

Oh, oh, I'm infected by the sound

Oh, oh, stop, this beat is killing me

Hey, Mr. DJ let the music take me underground

repeat chorus

Turn off the lights

Cut a hole in the floor

Bring out the net

Tie the ropes to the door

Hey look, we're gettin' physical

Out of control

Makin' sure that ghost

Falls into the hole

Stolen T's

Find the thief,

Make him pay for his crime

Rope is tight

Make it right

He'll be doin' some time

Wrap him up

with the net

Let's catch that scary ghost

Oh, oh, catch him with a trap door!

Oh, oh, he's been haunting our town

Oh, oh, stop this ghost who's stealing T's

Hey mr. ghost, let this trap door take you underground

    (During the process of the song, the dancers are dressed as cops, and the gang mimes setting a trap. The GHOST comes up and scares them and they run away. They run by a few times chasing each other. The GHOST joins in with the dancers and the gang runs by them; finally, the gang runs into the GHOST and they all fall over. They unmask him to reveal...)

FRED

Chan Gailey???

GROUP

Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble ... (and as the rabbling fades out, somone yells "OH THAT GUY SUCKS and right after, "We would have been better off being coached by NICKELBACK!")

VELMA

But what would you want with the Tech Tower T?

CHAN GAILEY

Oh, I have my reasons...

FRED

NOT AGAIN.

The Proclaimers- I'm Gonna Be (500 T's)

When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you

When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you

If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you

And if I haver yeah I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you

But I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles

To fall down at your door

I'm a screw up, I'm the worst coach in the world

My whole life has been a neverending joke.

It's all Tech's fault, it was the best job in the world,

But they fired me cause I don't know how to coach.

Then I woke up, I was fed up with this school

And I decided that I'd take that stupid T,

I don't regret it, I would do it all again,

Because Nickelback is still much worse than me. 

And I would steal 500 T's 

And I would steal 500 more,

Just to be the man who stole one thousand

T's from this forsaken school,

Da da da!

(Da da da!) 

Da da da!

(Da da da!)

Dum diddy dum diddy dum diddy dum diddy da-da-da

CHAN GAILEY

"...And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids! AND YOUR STUPID DOG"

    (CHAN GAILEY is hauled away by THE AUTHORITIES)

SCOOBY

SCRooby-dooby-doo! (APPLAUSE)

    (End with Scooby Doo Theme song again)

Scooby Dooby Doo, Scooby Doo,
Scooby Scooby Doo Doo.

FIN. 

The Top 35 Worst Times to Suddenly and Uncontrollably Projectile Vomit

Here's a conversation I've already posted elsewhere. Adam and I came up with this comprehensive list a few months back, and it is awesome.

__

Adam: i'm scared to death that someday i'm gonna spontaneously and involuntarily throw up
and it's going to be at the worst possible time
and it's gonna be projectile
i just know it's gonna happen
i feel like it's my fate

Colin: can i ask a question

Adam: one

Colin: what, in your opinion, is the worst possible time for inevitable, spontaneous, involuntary, and projectile vomit

PRESENTING ADAM AND COLIN’S TOP 35 TIMES YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO UNCONTROLLABLY PROJECTILE VOMIT

1. presentations
2. child's first school play
3. anytime during christmas morning
4. using the restroom
5. giving someone a high five
6. interviewing for a job
6a. meeting a foreign dignitary
7. meeting the parents
8. riding a bike
9. anything that involves wearing a face mask
9a. scuba diving
9b. space suit
9c. green man
10. drinking
11. first kiss
11a: "you may now kiss the bride"
11b. first sex (alternatively, see 16.)
12. holding an original historical document
13. about to eat a kobe lobster (a lobster that has been fed kobe beef)
14. first time in a new car
15. blowing out the candles
16. copulation
17: zero gravity
18. right before you kill hitler in 1943 alternate history
19. stranded in the snow, right after you just got a fire started
20. saving a life
20a. mouth to mouth CPR
20b. Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger just after the first bird hit the plane
21. lap dance
22. lifting anything heavy
23. lifting anything light, in front of a sexy lady.
24. about to sink the 8-ball, in front of a sexy lady
25. as you're being frozen in carbonite
26. trying to stay still as a t-rex is sniffing the side of your ford explorer
27. as you win a marathon
28. on the windshield on the autobahn
29. prom: putting on the corsage
30. Giving someone bad news
31. Showcase Showdown
32. showdown at high noon, right after you've taken 10 paces and turn around to shoot
33. Bobsledding
34. the president telling the nation and the world that yes, the aliens are hostile
34b. diplomatic meeting with the aliens
35. "you shall not pass"

A Series of Short Stories

I now beseech upon you, my gentle reader, a series of short stories which I wrote on cocktail napkins out of boredom, and in the interest of entertainment, whilst sitting at Cafe Intermezzo this evening. Enjoy.


1.

It was a dark and stormy night. A spontaneous horde of Pokemon had attacked and killed the mayor of Atlanta earlier that evening, and the citizens were in fear for their very lives. William and Zooey Smith had barricaded themselves within their 40th floor penthouse condominium, armed with several kitchen knives, a 6-iron, and, of course, their love for one another.

WHAM!

WHAM!

They heard the pounding upon the door and feared the worst.

"Oh no!" whined Zooey, immediately boring the shit out of her husband of 25 years.

"Oh, Jesus, Zooey, can you go five minutes without complaining about something?"

"Fuck you!" she screamed, as a zombie Pikachu gnawed through her jugular vein.

"I've always hated you, you know," said William, with an eery calm, as a horde of rabid Charizards ate out his heart.

Suddenly, William awoke from his dream.

"Fuck," he sighed. "Fuck, shit, fuck."

The End?


2. Partly co-written by Brandon

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Come to think of it, Duke Nukem was only the best of times. We set out on our sacred quest to find Mowgli, Littlefoot... and Jon Bon Jovi.

"Maybe they're over that expansive mountain range in the clouds," quipped Duke Nukem, as he choked out a helpless villager.

"Great thinking, Duke!" I exclaimed, cowering in fear in the corner.

We set out over the cloud mountains in our Star Wars speeder bikes, slaughtering villagers along the way.

One we reached Mordor, we spotted a deranged Littlefoot chewing away on Mowgli's remains. From Duke Nukem's eye fell a single tear, which turned into a falcon and flew away. "Caw!" it cried.

The End?




3. Written by Brandon Kriske.

And so it began...

Jon Bon Jovi, Littlefoot, and Mowgli wandered the Alaskan desert in search of new territory to claim.

"Oh wow! Look at the Rhinopottamus, lurking in the distance!" exclaimed Mowgli.

"Let's kill that motherfucker!" yelled Jon Bon Jovi.

"Yes!" screamed Chuck Norris.

"Chuck??" questioned Bon Jovi.

"Yes, it is I, the bringer of life and death, and the Ab Roller... and Texas Ranger."

And so it ended. Chuck Norris and Jon Bon Jovi, raping, sodomizing, and eating Littlefoot alive.

The End??



4.A Short Story on the Various Dangers of Real Life, by Colin Malone.

As I stood atop Mount Everest, looking out upon the world around me, I suddenly felt a feeling of great insignificance. Of course, I felt the tiniest bit better considering that most of what I could see was Nepal, an already tiny and insignificant country.

"USA, USA, USA," I proclaimed aloud, to no one in particular. My spirits were lifted slightly.

"Hey. Hey, you there," said a great, booming voice. I turned around, and there before me was God Himself.

"Oh, hey God. Listen, while I've got You here, I've got a question I've been meaning to ask You." As I finished my sentence, God slapped me hard right in the face, and I shut the hell up.

"You are an insignificant piece of shit. I love all my children equally, except for you," roared God, "Except you."

Dejected, I descended the mountain. Back at base camp, I located Morpheus roasting marshmallows by the fire.

"Fine, Morpheus, I will take your goddamn blue pill," I sighed. Morpheus glared at me and squinted condescendingly.

"Fuckin' right," he proclaimed.

The End?

What does the Apple iPad mean for our society?

Nothing.

It's sMARTA to just drive yourself.

I'm sitting on the train coming back to NYC from Norwalk, CT after a job interview. Being from Atlanta, I don't very much like riding trains. This sentiment is blatantly obvious to anyone from in or near Atlanta: personally, aside from the New York City, London, and Amsterdam, my only exposure to public rail transportation has been the Metro Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority: MARTA. What a piece of shit. I have seen my share of mostly-worthless crap in my life, and the MARTA public transit system is one of The Worst.

Imagine a city. Okay, now imagine that city as a plate of food. It's got four types of meat. In the upper northwest corner, there's a fairly respectable cut of prime rib with a few nasty parts on the outside. In the northeast corner, there's a good-looking cut of filet that gives off a douchey, elitist vibe. In the southeast corner, there's a skirt steak with a nice part on the outside but a but of gross, gristly parts right in the middle. And in the southwest corner, there's a big chunk of old Salisbury steak from a soup kitchen dinner four weeks ago someone found in a dumpster. Okay, got it? Good. Now, there is a space running right down the middle and right down the east-west axis of the plate, and that's pretty much it. Your fork can only move on those axes. Lucky you! Almost all the crappy parts of the meat are right in the middle. That's all you can eat. If you want, though you can use another utensil, the bus fork; it's got 49 prongs. Most of them are missing, some of them unexpectedly lag being the other prongs by a matter of hours, and they smell like piss. All of it smells like piss, too. Did I forget to mention that? Okay, great. So you've got all this okay meat to eat, but you can't reach any of it with any of your shitty forks. That's helpful. Don't worry, though! The Atlanta Checker Cab Spork is here to save the day! It will cost you $4 to pick up the spork, and $9 per eighth of an inch you move it across the plate! Also, you can use your own fork, but the Atlanta Plate Police Department will pull you over and arrest you for Eating Under the Influence 4 out of every 5 times you try it. That sucks, for you. Looks like you're microwaving a Lean Cuisine again for dinner, cheap-o! There's my MARTA analogy. It's like a plate of questionably tasty food, and a bunch of awful utensils with which to eat it.

Hate.

A Very Important Complaint

There are some stepping stones outside of a building I am frequently in and out of, going across a often-flooded grassy area. This is important to note because it is, more often than not, required to use the stones to walk across the grass. The stones are square, and approximately 18 inches on edge. They are put in two rows, alternating, and placed corner to corner, like _--_--_--_--. They are spaced just perfectly so that to only walk on stones, you must walk with an a) awkwardly-short stride to hit each one in sequence, b) walk with an awkwardly-long stride to hit every other one, or c) walk with an awkwardly-cerebal-palsy sort of stride to alternate with one foot and not with the other. Needless to say, you cannot continue with your normal gait from the sidewalk to the stepping stones without stepping in the grass and cursing God for getting your hot kicks all muddy.

The same thing exists across campus. There is (was) a stairwell by the library that is built in that long, shallow style since it's going up a rather shallow hill. That's cool and all, except the stairs are ridiculously deep and it's impossible to go up them foot-by-foot without looking like Bigfoot striding through the woods. Can't they just build a ramp? Can't they get bigger stepping stones? These sorts of problems probably didn't even enter the designer's heads, and certainly didn't enter the landscaping workers' heads. It's terrible, you guys. Thank you.

It's Time to Start

Some of you may be aware of the other blog I'm trying out, Ad Vice, a blog in which I post Youtube-hosted commercials and proceed to make fun of them for being insulting to human intelligence. That is fun and all, but I've decided that at any given time, I have a number of observations and rants about living on this ridiculous planet. While Facebook and Twitter are totally great for learning about how many grilled cheese sandwiches are being made and what any number of idiot celebrities think about such sandwich-making quantities, as microblogging services they are fundamentally limiting. I do not like limits. So, with the court's approval, may I present Little Yellow Envelope, a Blog for the Humans.