Showing posts with label Haha. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Haha. Show all posts
Here's a conversation I've already posted elsewhere. Adam and I came up with this comprehensive list a few months back, and it is awesome.
__
Adam: i'm scared to death that someday i'm gonna spontaneously and involuntarily throw up
and it's going to be at the worst possible time
and it's gonna be projectile
i just know it's gonna happen
i feel like it's my fate
Colin: can i ask a question
Adam: one
Colin: what, in your opinion, is the worst possible time for inevitable, spontaneous, involuntary, and projectile vomit
PRESENTING ADAM AND COLIN’S TOP 35 TIMES YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO UNCONTROLLABLY PROJECTILE VOMIT
1. presentations
2. child's first school play
3. anytime during christmas morning
4. using the restroom
5. giving someone a high five
6. interviewing for a job
6a. meeting a foreign dignitary
7. meeting the parents
8. riding a bike
9. anything that involves wearing a face mask
9a. scuba diving
9b. space suit
9c. green man
10. drinking
11. first kiss
11a: "you may now kiss the bride"
11b. first sex (alternatively, see 16.)
12. holding an original historical document
13. about to eat a kobe lobster (a lobster that has been fed kobe beef)
14. first time in a new car
15. blowing out the candles
16. copulation
17: zero gravity
18. right before you kill hitler in 1943 alternate history
19. stranded in the snow, right after you just got a fire started
20. saving a life
20a. mouth to mouth CPR
20b. Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger just after the first bird hit the plane
21. lap dance
22. lifting anything heavy
23. lifting anything light, in front of a sexy lady.
24. about to sink the 8-ball, in front of a sexy lady
25. as you're being frozen in carbonite
26. trying to stay still as a t-rex is sniffing the side of your ford explorer
27. as you win a marathon
28. on the windshield on the autobahn
29. prom: putting on the corsage
30. Giving someone bad news
31. Showcase Showdown
32. showdown at high noon, right after you've taken 10 paces and turn around to shoot
33. Bobsledding
34. the president telling the nation and the world that yes, the aliens are hostile
34b. diplomatic meeting with the aliens
35. "you shall not pass"
I now beseech upon you, my gentle reader, a series of short stories which I wrote on cocktail napkins out of boredom, and in the interest of entertainment, whilst sitting at Cafe Intermezzo this evening. Enjoy.
1.
It was a dark and stormy night. A spontaneous horde of Pokemon had attacked and killed the mayor of Atlanta earlier that evening, and the citizens were in fear for their very lives. William and Zooey Smith had barricaded themselves within their 40th floor penthouse condominium, armed with several kitchen knives, a 6-iron, and, of course, their love for one another.
WHAM!
WHAM!
They heard the pounding upon the door and feared the worst.
"Oh no!" whined Zooey, immediately boring the shit out of her husband of 25 years.
"Oh, Jesus, Zooey, can you go five minutes without complaining about something?"
"Fuck you!" she screamed, as a zombie Pikachu gnawed through her jugular vein.
"I've always hated you, you know," said William, with an eery calm, as a horde of rabid Charizards ate out his heart.
Suddenly, William awoke from his dream.
"Fuck," he sighed. "Fuck, shit, fuck."
The End?
2. Partly co-written by Brandon
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Come to think of it, Duke Nukem was only the best of times. We set out on our sacred quest to find Mowgli, Littlefoot... and Jon Bon Jovi.
"Maybe they're over that expansive mountain range in the clouds," quipped Duke Nukem, as he choked out a helpless villager.
"Great thinking, Duke!" I exclaimed, cowering in fear in the corner.
We set out over the cloud mountains in our Star Wars speeder bikes, slaughtering villagers along the way.
One we reached Mordor, we spotted a deranged Littlefoot chewing away on Mowgli's remains. From Duke Nukem's eye fell a single tear, which turned into a falcon and flew away. "Caw!" it cried.
The End?
3. Written by Brandon Kriske.
And so it began...
Jon Bon Jovi, Littlefoot, and Mowgli wandered the Alaskan desert in search of new territory to claim.
"Oh wow! Look at the Rhinopottamus, lurking in the distance!" exclaimed Mowgli.
"Let's kill that motherfucker!" yelled Jon Bon Jovi.
"Yes!" screamed Chuck Norris.
"Chuck??" questioned Bon Jovi.
"Yes, it is I, the bringer of life and death, and the Ab Roller... and Texas Ranger."
And so it ended. Chuck Norris and Jon Bon Jovi, raping, sodomizing, and eating Littlefoot alive.
The End??
4.A Short Story on the Various Dangers of Real Life, by Colin Malone.
As I stood atop Mount Everest, looking out upon the world around me, I suddenly felt a feeling of great insignificance. Of course, I felt the tiniest bit better considering that most of what I could see was Nepal, an already tiny and insignificant country.
"USA, USA, USA," I proclaimed aloud, to no one in particular. My spirits were lifted slightly.
"Hey. Hey, you there," said a great, booming voice. I turned around, and there before me was God Himself.
"Oh, hey God. Listen, while I've got You here, I've got a question I've been meaning to ask You." As I finished my sentence, God slapped me hard right in the face, and I shut the hell up.
"You are an insignificant piece of shit. I love all my children equally, except for you," roared God, "Except you."
Dejected, I descended the mountain. Back at base camp, I located Morpheus roasting marshmallows by the fire.
"Fine, Morpheus, I will take your goddamn blue pill," I sighed. Morpheus glared at me and squinted condescendingly.
"Fuckin' right," he proclaimed.
The End?
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